To maintain professional balance requires diligence and intentionality on your part. Here are four principles to help you stay focused on what is important both professionally and personally.
To maintain professional balancebe thankful for the unexpected blessings
The journey of life often includes unexpected turns. These may bring unanticipated blessings. Sometimes in life we think we know what the future holds and then we are surprised. Think children. Your future athlete becomes a musician. Think team member hires. The placeholder in sales turns out to be a gifted networker and influencer. Think lessons from pandemics. Work from home was terrible until you adapted and now you find you have options you had never considered.
To maintain professional balance, say it again even when you think you’ve been clear
When you are communicating with a subordinate or with a team member who is insecure, they will not hear your message the first time – no matter how clear you are. A subordinate is often reading the power relationships within the room and not giving full attention to your words – you’re Charlie Brown’s teacher.
A team member who is insecure is busy interpreting what your words mean for her and will miss the plain meaning of your message. Say it again. And, sometimes, again. You’ve thought about your message. It is clear to you. The words on paper may be unambiguous, but to those who are concerned with who is delivering the message or how the message impacts them, one time will never be enough.
To maintain professional balance,strategic transparency is sufficient
No one who has experienced healthy relationships wants full transparency. This is true in any context – government, marriage, business, friendship. Sure, there are people who say they want full transparency; they demand transparency. If you knew everything the government was doing do you think you would be happier or sleep better at night? Exactly how would that knowledge improve your life?
If you knew every thought that passed through your spouse’s mind, how could that possibly deepen your relationship? If your boss shared every plan for the future, would that make you want to go to work tomorrow? Be glad you don’t know what your friends are saying as they drive away from the party you just hosted. Let’s be strategically transparent and admit that complete access to the minds of others would not enhance community.
Remember things are not the goal
There are numerous studies on the relationship between money and happiness. The gist, as I understand them, is that there is a strong correlation between an increase in money and happiness, but that at some point, further increases in money do not result in significant increases in happiness. This makes sense. Once you are able to pay the bills and don’t feel daily financial vulnerability, you are able to enjoy life without having to make significantly more than you do today.
Money and things provide the context in which we enjoy life. Relationships and experiences are the life we enjoy. Pay your bills. Then invest in living among those you love and sharing your good fortune with others. Remember the words of Jesus, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Be thankful for the happy surprises. Share important messages more than once. Don’t share everything you think. Make sure that money is your servant and not your master. These principles will enhance your relationships and life will be sweeter.
About Julian Consulting
Dr. Stephen Julian is President of Julian Consulting, a firm specializing in team health, effective communication, and leadership development. He has worked with leaders and their teams for nearly 30 years in a variety of settings – including Africa, South and Central America.
Likeable people are the ones you want to be around. And while virtually everyone wants to be liked, it seems many people never consider how to be likeable.
Our digital interconnectedness keeps growing, along with our anxiety, depression, and loneliness. How can we form relationships that are meaningful and lasting?
Let’s start by making sure we are likeable and then helping those we influence to be more likeable as well. Here are nine helpful behaviors to either practice or avoid. Several of these were suggested in an e-mail from my friend, Dick, a retired executive. He gave me permission to use as I wished.
Likeable people are committed listeners
“Reloaders” stop talking long enough to let you speak, but don’t be fooled. They aren’t listening to you, they are just reloading, waiting for your next breath when they will begin talking once again. One of the primary reasons I was attracted to my wife, Judy, is that she is a great listener. She hears what I’m saying and seeks to understand what I mean.
Likeable people ask genuine questions
Questions are undervalued. You can pump someone for factual information and sometimes that may be needed. You can ask questions that are open-ended and draw the person out. Question-asking is related to listening because as you are sharing your ideas I am able to frame up my next question. I am listening and engaged in what you are saying, rather than merely taking your words as prompts for stating my own views or correcting yours.
Likeable people follow the norm of reciprocity
There’s a natural give and take to conversation. Earlier in a relationship, people are attracted to those who match one another’s contributions. I ask about your work. You ask about mine. I tell you about my family. You talk about yours. The longer you have known someone and the deeper the relationship, the less that the norm of reciprocity must be followed in each exchange. Contributions still need to even out over time, but one conversation may be dominated by a person without the other feeling the relationship is out of balance.
Likeable people are self-deprecating to a point
Confidence is attractive. Arrogance is off-putting. Recognition that you are less than perfect and having the ability to laugh at your shortcomings is attractive, but press this too far and people begin to find your apparent insecurity unsettling.
Likeable people are able to laugh
Having a sense of humor is important, but obviously you need to gauge how your humor pairs with that of others. You love Dumb and Dumber; she loves Annie Hall – these are not the same. Even how you laugh may be important. My boisterous laugh has startled babies and led them to cry. Consider your audience and the setting and know when to rein it in and when to let it out.
Likeable people draw others out so they have the opportunity to fit in
Some people are quiet. While I know Introverts have many thoughts they don’t need to express, I don’t understand this experientially. When in a group, look to draw out those who are quieter by watching for their reactions – evidence they may be wishing to contribute – or by asking a question that is a safe opening into the topic being discussed. Don’t press. Someone may be entirely comfortable listening and isn’t looking for the spotlight to rest on him.
Likeable people don’t overstay their welcome
Benjamin Franklin is credited with the quip: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” When you are first establishing a relationship, start with small doses rather than trying to discuss everything of interest in a single sitting. Know your audience. Be culturally on time and leave before you must be asked. Better to leave the other person wanting more than hoping to avoid you in the future.
Likeable people avoid controversy
Until you know someone, stick to safer topics that draw people together. Even among close friends, there are often conversational paths better left unpursued. In a world that says it values complete transparency, just know that sane people don’t (see last month’s newsletter for more on this topic). The goal is to build relationships not to drive away all but those who entirely agree with you. In my case, I would not even be able to talk with myself since I often don’t agree with everything I say.
Alikeable person doesn’t gossip
Gossip erodes trust. It misrepresents the behaviors, views, and ideas of others. It uses people as objects for our enjoyment. Gossip may be juicy, but the fruit you consume is rotten. Want to be liked? Be likeable. Want to build a work culture people enjoy? Encourage team members to be likeable. Some may need reminders of these nine behaviors to employ or avoid.
About Julian Consulting
Dr. Stephen Julian is President of Julian Consulting, a firm specializing in team health, effective communication, and leadership development. He has worked with leaders and their teams for nearly 30 years in a variety of settings – including Africa, South and Central America.
Understanding agreement and respect begins by realizing they are not the same. Here are three ideas to help you disagree and still respect other people.
Understanding Agreement And Respect Involves Managing Your Different Expectations
My wife Judy and I grew up in wildly divergent homes. I learned to eat pancakes with butter and syrup. She ate them with butter alone. We brought these expectations to our marriage and attempted to influence our children accordingly. Despite our fundamental culinary disagreement, we maintained respect for one another. (OK, at times I may have mocked her nearly naked cakes.)
So there’s a distinction between agreement and respect we all need to recognize and experience.
Understanding Agreement And Respect Relates To The Difference Between Sympathy And Empathy
Understanding agreement and respect relates to the distinction between sympathy and empathy.
When I sympathize with you, there is an implied sense of agreement with your cause or position. In empathy however, I feel with you as a fellow human, but may not agree with your stance.
I sympathize with those who prefer Hawaii to Florida. Although I am not a fan of beaches, somehow the beaches of Hawaii are ones even I enjoy. I empathize with someone whose cat has died. And understand the loss of a pet, since I had a pet dog die.
But I’ve never owned a cat and, if asked, would say I don’t like them. (Please don’t get hung up on that last comment and miss the larger point.)
Understanding Agreement And Respect Means You Can Disagree Agreeably
We need to disagree agreeably. This is essential to peace within families and communities. I should respect you and treat you respectfully even when I don’t agree with your position.
If you insist on agreement and sympathy, then the resulting alienation of others shouldn’t surprise you. Let’s model finding value in all people since none of us agrees with everyone.
About Julian Consulting
Dr. Stephen Julian is President of Julian Consulting, a firm specializing in team health, effective communication, and leadership development. He has worked with leaders and their teams for nearly 30 years in a variety of settings – including Africa, South and Central America.
My wife, Judy and I spent a weekend in Ohio Amish country. It was a chance to get away and renew. It also meant we spent time in shops looking at an endless array of decorative items, although I’m sure there would be significant disagreement on the appropriate range for the term “decorative.”
I’ll admit it. I nearly cried while browsing a chocolate shop and looking at decorative items the owners hoped I would add to my purchase of edible treats.
There was a plaque that read: “What we take for granted, others are praying for.”
Thoughts About Taking For Granted What Others Pray For
I think the reason the plaque hit me was that Judy and I had the opportunity to take a day off work, stay in a beautiful location, and shop for things we don’t need while eating chocolate that we pretend to need.
I take for granted an endless supply of clean water. Highspeed Internet. The ability to walk through stores. The relationship with a woman who loves me for who I am despite who we both wish I might become. My freedom to pursue and express my faith – although less so today than in the past.
Somewhere in the world, probably not as far away as I might think, someone is praying for each of these things I take for granted. What are you taking for granted and how can you develop a pattern for identifying these items and expressing gratitude for each one?
Recognizing Your Larger World Will Lessen Taking For Granted What Others Pray For
How large is your world? My world is larger than it once was, but far smaller than it could be. Having traveled to Central and South America, Europe, Asia, and Africa, I’ve seen people who are praying for what I take for granted.
But closer to home, I often think about the police department I partnered with as a consultant, where I became more aware that there are men and women who get up each day to deal with things I know little about. They protect my innocence by dealing with situations that, to me, are unimaginable.
Do you know people who pray for what you take for granted? If not, you are probably insulated against recognizing what you take for granted. If everyone you know has clean water, highspeed Internet, mobility, reasonably healthy relationships, and freedom of religion, then you may not have been made aware that you are among a tiny percentage of humans who have all of these blessings and more.
Gratefulness Will Lessen Taking For Granted What Others Pray For
I didn’t cry openly in the chocolate store. But I could have if I had allowed myself to think more deeply about people I’ve seen and known who pray for what I take for granted. In a world that emphasizes what we don’t and cannot have, let’s marvel and give thanks for what we do have.
Let’s recognize that we are blessed in ways we did not earn and do not deserve more than any other inhabitant of this planet. Yes, you worked hard, but you have a body and mind that function apart from disability. You earned that degree and that job. But you live in a world where you were able to move beyond survival to study and seek employment. And you made wise choices. But they were easier to make in a stable, relatively healthy environment.
Get to know a person praying for what you take for granted. Share what you take for granted. Don’t despise the person who prays for what you take for granted. “Enlarge your world and love your neighbor.” Seems I’ve heard that somewhere before. It might even make a good plaque for Amish country.
About Julian Consulting
Dr. Stephen Julian is President of Julian Consulting, a firm specializing in team health, effective communication, and leadership development. He has worked with leaders and their teams for nearly 30 years in a variety of settings – including Africa, South and Central America.
You can grow beyond the confines of your box. Because sometimes in business, you operate within a box. In my line of work there are two familiar expressions: “Think outside the box.” “Don’t put me in a box.”
I’d like to suggest we encourage people to grow beyond the natural confines of their boxes rather than seeking to abandon them or deny they exist.
Growing Beyond The Confines Of Your Box Begins With Recognizing You’re In A Box
“Think outside the box.” I hate this phrase. My clients hire people to work inside well-defined boxes or roles. These boxes aren’t randomly constructed or poorly designed. Those doing the hiring aren’t really looking for people to think outside that box, despite what they might say during a brainstorming session. They want people who think creatively inside the box. Unfortunately, “Think creatively inside your box” doesn’t have the same ring or crowd-pleasing support of autonomy.
“Don’t put me in a box.” I assure those who have completed a personality assessment that the box identified by the assessment is quite large, with plenty of room for many pursuits.
If it’s Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, then there are 16 boxes for 7+ billion people. If DiSC, then either 4 or 12 boxes depending upon how you slice the results. Enneagram offers 9 possible outcomes with variants of each. So, perhaps an assessment places you in a box, but you’ll never suffocate within it and I’ll never know your favorite flavor of ice cream because I know the letter(s) or number(s) associated with your box.
What interests me most, however, is growing beyond the natural confines of my box. Using DiSC as an example, I encourage each respondent to “own their dot” on the DiSC globe rather than spending life trying to move to another part of the globe they think would be better. Ds (Dominance on DiSC) need to be healthy mature Ds and not look to become Ss (Steadiness on DiSC).
Growing Beyond The Confines Of Your Box Includes An Expansion
I do encourage people to “enlarge their territories.” A strong D needs to own her dot but expand her territory, learning to pick up characteristics and behaviors associated with the other three quadrants (Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness).
Here’s a simple example of how I’ve grown beyond the natural confines of my box. As a parent, it was always easier for me to say “no.” I wanted to limit options, avoid complications, and minimize commitments. Blame this on my Myers-Briggs “J-ness” (Judging preference rather than Perceiving).
One year I told my wife Judy that on our family vacation I was going to say “yes” whenever possible. Thankfully my kids didn’t know about this experiment because they would have taken full advantage. What I found was that I had a wonderful time on vacation and enjoyed saying “yes” as often as I could. I’m sure my children thought another person was inhabiting my body or that a doppelganger with a different personality had made the trip.
Growing Beyond Your Box Includes Personal Development
I get it. I really do. You want to be free to think outside the box and would prefer to not be placed within a box at all. The way I see the world is that we all inhabit boxes – personalities, roles, expectations, relational commitments – but that these boxes need not keep us from becoming healthy mature versions of ourselves. We need to “own our dots” while “enlarging our territories.”
Embrace who you are and seek to maximize your strengths, while recognizing that we are all on a journey to greater health, deeper maturity. On that journey, choose to grow beyond the natural confines of your box without denying that it exists or believing that life would be better without it. Encourage others to do the same.
[Final Note: Of course, my appreciation for my box as the home base from which I venture and to which I return, is consistent with my personality. While for some, the rejection and outright denial of boxes is reflective of the boxes they inhabit.
About Julian Consulting
Dr. Stephen Julian is President of Julian Consulting, a firm specializing in team health, effective communication, and leadership development. He has worked with leaders and their teams for nearly 30 years in a variety of settings – including Africa, South and Central America.
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