Likeable people are the ones you want to be around. And while virtually everyone wants to be liked, it seems many people never consider what makes you likeable.
Our digital interconnectedness keeps growing, along with our anxiety, depression, and loneliness. So, how do you form meaningful and lasting relationships?
Let’s start by making sure we are likeable and then help those we influence do the same. Here are nine helpful behaviors to either practice or avoid. Several of them are from my friend, Dick, a retired executive who said I could share them.
Likeable people are committed listeners
“Reloaders” stop talking long enough to let you speak, but don’t be fooled. They aren’t listening to you. Instead, they are reloading, waiting for your next breath so they can talk again. A big attraction to my wife, Judy, is that she is a great listener. She hears what I say and seeks to understand what I mean.
Likeable people ask genuine questions
Questions are undervalued. You can pump someone for factual information and ask open-ended to draw people out. It relates to listening because as you are share ideas you frame up your next question. In other words, you listen and engage in conversation rather than speak to state your views or correct another person’s views.
Likeable people follow the norm of reciprocity
Conversation is naturally give and take. And we tend to engage with others who match our contributions. I ask about your work. You ask about mine. I share about my family. You share about yours. But over time, deeper and more trusted relationships require less norm of reciprocity in each exchange. Contributions should even out over time, but one conversation may be dominated by a person without the other feeling the relationship is out of balance.
Likeable people are self-deprecating to a point
Confidence is attractive. Arrogance is off-putting. Recognition that you are less than perfect and can laugh at your shortcomings is attractive, but press this too far and people begin to find your apparent insecurity unsettling.
Likeable people are able to laugh
A sense of humor is important, but consider how it pairs with that of others. You love Dumb and Dumber; she loves Annie Hall – these are not the same. Even how you laugh may be important. My boisterous laugh has startled babies and led them to cry. Consider your audience and the setting and know when to rein it in and let it out.
Likeable people draw others out so they have the opportunity to fit in
Some people are quiet. While I know Introverts have many thoughts they don’t need to express, I don’t understand this experientially. When in a group, look to draw out those who are quieter by watching for their reactions – evidence they may want to contribute – or by asking a safe, opening question on the topic you’re discussing. But don’t press. Some people are entirely comfortable listening and not looking for the spotlight.
Likeable people don’t overstay their welcome
Benjamin Franklin is credited with the quip: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” When you are first establishing a relationship, start with small doses rather than trying to discuss everything of interest in a single sitting. Know your audience. Be culturally on time and leave before you must be asked. Better to leave the other person wanting more than hoping to avoid you in the future.
Likeable people avoid controversy
Until you know someone, stick to safer topics that draw people together. Even among close friends, there are often conversational paths better left unpursued. In a world that says it values complete transparency, just know that sane people don’t (see last month’s newsletter for more on this topic). The goal is to build relationships not to drive away all but those who entirely agree with you. In my case, I would not even be able to talk with myself since I often don’t agree with everything I say.
A likeable person doesn’t gossip
Gossip erodes trust. It misrepresents the behaviors, views, and ideas of others. It uses people as objects for our enjoyment. Gossip may be juicy, but the fruit you consume is rotten. Want to be liked? Be likeable. Want to build a work culture people enjoy? Encourage team members to be likeable. Some may need reminders of these nine behaviors to employ or avoid.
About Julian Consulting
Dr. Stephen Julian is President of Julian Consulting, a firm specializing in team health, effective communication, and leadership development. He has worked with leaders and their teams for nearly 30 years in a variety of settings – including Africa, South and Central America.
https://www.julianconsulting.org
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