How should I respond to angry people? And not just a little angry. But a lot. Like boiling mad to irrational rage? Especially as a Christ-follower. I was confronted with this question in a recent experience that took me by surprise. And here are my thoughts about it.
I was the last car in a line turning left at a traffic light. We all turned on the green arrow although it changed to yellow as I went through. I was in no hurry as I headed towards another light a block away to make another left into a small strip mall.
A short distance from the light I heard the roar of an engine and squeal of tires. In my rearview mirror I saw the incensed, contorted face of a driver tailgating me. He had been waiting to make a right turn on the opposite side of the light and I now gathered, was morally offended by my left hand turn.
So he broke the speed limit to catch up, nearly rear ended me in his haste and now drove recklessly, inches away from rear bumper to teach me a driving lesson. And when I stopped at the red light, he halted inches away from my rear bumper to drive home the point.
I responded in a perfectly calm and reasonable manner by throwing my car in park, jumping out and marching to the driver side window, throwing my hands in the air, and shouting, “What are you doing?”
It was completely reactive and impulsive on my part.
And if a brawny lad got out, it might be a problem. Although in my experience, brawny lads are seldom raging bullies, because they have nothing to prove. And true to form, this aggressive bully switched to victim mode and began video taping me on his phone.
So in case you see me on a social media post, please note my egregious act was making a legal left hand turn at a traffic light. But apparently, this driver on the opposite side of the light knew better.
Since he remained safely in his car, I returned to mine and turned into the strip mall as he now, bravely, continued to tailgate me, steering with one hand and video taping with the other. But drove on when I pulled into a parking space.
And here are some thoughts as I’ve had time to reflect and consider a more Godly response to angry people.
How should I respond to angry people? Maybe by offering compassion
People are on an emotional edge. Overwhelmed by stress, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. Bottled up inside. And hidden so you don’t know who they are, what pressures are internally seething, or when a trivial incident will cause an eruption. Something troubling was already going on in the life of the driver I encountered. I simply triggered the explosion.
But I follow a compassionate God. Who instructs me to share the compassion I’ve received from him with others. It doesn’t mean I’m milk toast. Lay down and let people steam roll me. But to measure my response. And not view them as enemies. But people who are likely struggling. And probably need a friend. I don’t know what’s going on in their life. So maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt.
How should I respond to angry people? Maybe by demonstrating joy
Joy doesn’t mean wearing a dopey grin on my face all day. Telling an angry person I’ll pray for them or have a blessed day. That seems patronizing. But it does include silently asking God for his strength and self-control in the heat of a moment. And the goal to act, rather than react to the other person. Or not respond at all, but merely drive on.
It’s not that I don’t have struggles and bad days. I have both. But joy is a fruit of God’s Spirit. Something I possess in spite of difficult circumstances. And difficult people.
It’s the result of living with hope. Because I know God is faithful to his promise. And as a child of that promise, I see an eternal future which radically changes how I see the present. And a sense of meaning that extends way beyond navigating the turn at a traffic light.
So I can choose joy. To act rather than react. And let God’s strength be revealed in my weakness.
How should I respond to angry people? Maybe by extending grace
Grace is an undeserved pardon. That’s me as a sinner before a holy God. I don’t deserve his love or forgiveness. But he extends it anyway through his grace. And as an unworthy recipient, I’m charged by scripture to extend it to others.
I forget this sometimes. Probably because I so quickly return anger for anger and seek to defend myself. Grace requires a supernatural response. Similar to compassion but so much more. Because compassion leads to understanding and acceptance. But grace leads to eternal life. Because grace is granted by God to all who believe in and follow Jesus Christ.
And that’s another message I can share. But no one will hear it if I’m shouting in anger.
It wasn’t my absolute worst response to an angry person. But through the power of God, I can do better.
Let’s hear your angry story along with thoughts on Godly responses.
Likeable people are the ones you want to be around. And while virtually everyone wants to be liked, it seems many people never consider what makes you likeable.
Our digital interconnectedness keeps growing, along with our anxiety, depression, and loneliness. So, how do you form meaningful and lasting relationships?
Let’s start by making sure we are likeable and then help those we influence do the same. Here are nine helpful behaviors to either practice or avoid. Several of them are from my friend, Dick, a retired executive who said I could share them.
Likeable people are committed listeners
“Reloaders” stop talking long enough to let you speak, but don’t be fooled. They aren’t listening to you. Instead, they are reloading, waiting for your next breath so they can talk again. A big attraction to my wife, Judy, is that she is a great listener. She hears what I say and seeks to understand what I mean.
Likeable people ask genuine questions
Questions are undervalued. You can pump someone for factual information and ask open-ended to draw people out. It relates to listening because as you are share ideas you frame up your next question. In other words, you listen and engage in conversation rather than speak to state your views or correct another person’s views.
Likeable people follow the norm of reciprocity
Conversation is naturally give and take. And we tend to engage with others who match our contributions. I ask about your work. You ask about mine. I share about my family. You share about yours. But over time, deeper and more trusted relationships require less norm of reciprocity in each exchange. Contributions should even out over time, but one conversation may be dominated by a person without the other feeling the relationship is out of balance.
Likeable people are self-deprecating to a point
Confidence is attractive. Arrogance is off-putting. Recognition that you are less than perfect and can laugh at your shortcomings is attractive, but press this too far and people begin to find your apparent insecurity unsettling.
Likeable people are able to laugh
A sense of humor is important, but consider how it pairs with that of others. You love Dumb and Dumber; she loves Annie Hall – these are not the same. Even how you laugh may be important. My boisterous laugh has startled babies and led them to cry. Consider your audience and the setting and know when to rein it in and let it out.
Likeable people draw others out so they have the opportunity to fit in
Some people are quiet. While I know Introverts have many thoughts they don’t need to express, I don’t understand this experientially. When in a group, look to draw out those who are quieter by watching for their reactions – evidence they may want to contribute – or by asking a safe, opening question on the topic you’re discussing. But don’t press. Some people are entirely comfortable listening and not looking for the spotlight.
Likeable people don’t overstay their welcome
Benjamin Franklin is credited with the quip: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” When you are first establishing a relationship, start with small doses rather than trying to discuss everything of interest in a single sitting. Know your audience. Be culturally on time and leave before you must be asked. Better to leave the other person wanting more than hoping to avoid you in the future.
Likeable people avoid controversy
Until you know someone, stick to safer topics that draw people together. Even among close friends, there are often conversational paths better left unpursued. In a world that says it values complete transparency, just know that sane people don’t (see last month’s newsletter for more on this topic). The goal is to build relationships not to drive away all but those who entirely agree with you. In my case, I would not even be able to talk with myself since I often don’t agree with everything I say.
Alikeable person doesn’t gossip
Gossip erodes trust. It misrepresents the behaviors, views, and ideas of others. It uses people as objects for our enjoyment. Gossip may be juicy, but the fruit you consume is rotten. Want to be liked? Be likeable. Want to build a work culture people enjoy? Encourage team members to be likeable. Some may need reminders of these nine behaviors to employ or avoid.
About Julian Consulting
Dr. Stephen Julian is President of Julian Consulting, a firm specializing in team health, effective communication, and leadership development. He has worked with leaders and their teams for nearly 30 years in a variety of settings – including Africa, South and Central America.
Funny people at the health club. They are enjoyable to watch. Sure, I go to the health club primarily to work-out. Exercise. Stay in shape. But that’s boring.
People watching makes it interesting. And funny people make it entertaining.
Because there’s no better place to people watch than a health club. You see every known Freudian behavior along with many still uncategorized. And it’s hilarious.
Health clubs are laboratories of human behavior. Observation posts if you’re a psychologist, comedian, or copywriter needing a blog post. Had I skipped my work out the other day you’d be looking at white space. I know…you’re thinking…and this is better?
Funny people at the health club include those going nowhere fast
So I’m on the elliptical, listening to my I-pod, chugging along at a consistent pace. At least, I thought so. Then this funny guy with a Type A personality climbs on the machine next to me and kicks immediately into high gear. Call him Get Ahead Harry.
In 10 seconds he’s huffing and puffing and moving at the speed of…okay, it was hard to estimate the speed because the obnoxious huffing and puffing was distracting. But I suddenly worried hilarious Harry might pass me—if that’s possible on a stationary elliptical…with a 15-minute head start.
Now I’m an old jock. Still competitive. Still ego driven. Didn’t appreciate that my work out had turned into a race—especially when I had a comfortable, steady rhythm going to Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head.
It called for an intervention. I looked at Harry and said, “Hey, where are you going in such a hurry?”
He looked at me like I’m the crazy one. Guess I violated the unwritten health club rule that prohibits initiating conversations with a stranger who is exhibiting strange behavior. Or maybe he just thought it was a crazy question.
Hard to know. I was, after all, in a health club. Where the pursuit of physical wellness is a given, but mental stability questionable. Either way I didn’t care.
“Well, pick up the pace so you can you can hurry up and go nowhere,” I suggested.
I guess Harry didn’t hear me, didn’t get the funny, play on words, or just considered me socially reprehensible. He immediately switched to a stationary bike. Watch out Lance Armstrong.
Funny people at the health club include a walking conversationalist
Of course, Harry’s fast and furious pace contrasted the Angelina Jolie look alike on the other side of him. Angie’s graceful strides were slow, measured, and carefully choreographed to maximize her form.
Sweating was absolutely out of the question and even a slight glow was kept at bay with the constant, delicate pat of a towel across her forehead.
Hardly qualified as an actual health club work-out. But funny Angie gets extra credit for the increased oxygen consumption used to chatter on her cell phone most of the time to someone named “Sweetie.”
Pretty sure it wasn’t Brad Pitt.
Funny people at the health club include heavy heaving
In the back area of the health club, hovering around the free weights was funny Brutus. Serious muscle that flexed frequently in the reflection of the big mirror on the wall. He communicates in guttural language, the primitive nature of brute strength by an accompanying level of noise. Every increase to the stack of weight is announced by level of grunt. The more the weight, the louder the grunt.
However, his breaths with each lift are a finely tuned demonstration of balance and beauty—they’ll knock you sideways and curl your hair. And if that doesn’t gain your attention, after the final, monumental strain, there’s the victorious slam of weights to the rubber matted floor with a ground shattering force that registers on the Richter scale.
Funny people at the health club include not so funny odorific exercising
But the most solitary person in the health club is the guy who ate four burritos for lunch. I’ll call him…Fargo. Probably a wonderful guy…who should improve his diet. I just don’t have the nostrils to get that close and find out.
I’m sure he usually conforms to most social norms. But when you work out and push hard at both ends, something has to give. We all gave him lots of space.
I could go on about other funny characters at the health club. Maybe another time. I cut my work out short this week. Between Brutus and Fargo I only finished three machines.
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